22 jokes have been submitted to the Internet Joke Database.
How many programmers does it take to screw in a lightbulb? None, it's a hardware problem. (by Geir Siqveland on 21st July 2018)
Why did the programmer quit his job? He didn't get arrays (by Geir Siqveland on 21st July 2018)
Why was the empty array stuck outside? It didn't have any keys (by Kevin Yank on 1st April 2017)
How do functions break up? They stop calling each other (by Tom Butler on 9th August 2017)
How do you tell HTML from HTML5? Try it out in Internet Explorer. Did it work? No? It's HTML5 (by Tom Butler on 9th August 2017)
You don't need any training to be a litter picker, you pick it up as you go (by Kevin Yank on 9th August 2017)
It was Greg the mailman's last day on the job after 35 years of carrying the mail through all kinds of weather to the same neighborhood. When he arrived at the first house on his route, he was greeted by the whole family who roundly and soundly congratulated him and sent him on his way with a tidy gift envelope. At the second house, they presented him with a box of fine cigars. The folks at the third house handed him a selection of terrific fishing lures. At the fourth house he was met at the door by a strikingly beautiful blonde woman in a revealing negligee. She took him by the hand, gently led him through the door and up the stairs to the bedroom where she blew his mind with the most passionate love he had ever experienced! When he had enough, they went downstairs where she fixed him a giant breakfast: eggs, potatoes, ham, sausage, blueberry waffles, and fresh-squeezed orange juice. When he was truly satisfied she poured him a cup of steaming coffee. As she was pouring, he noticed a dollar bill sticking out from under the cup's bottom edge. "All of this was just too wonderful for words." He said, "But what's the dollar for"? "Well," she said, "last night, I told my husband that today would be your last day, and that we should do something special for you. I asked him what to give you, and he said, "Screw him. Give him a dollar." "The breakfast was my idea!!" (by Kevin Yank on 25th June 2018)
A science teacher asked her students "Children, if you could own one mineral what would it be? one boy said, "I would choose gold. Its worth lots of money and I could buy a Corvette." Another boy said " I would want platinum because its worth more than gold and I could buy a Porsche." the teacher said, "Johnny, What would you want? Johnny said "I would want silicone." "Why would you want silicone?" Asked the teacher "Well my mom got some, he replied. And there's always a Porsche or Corvette sitting in our driveway Read more: http://www.joke-db.com/c/all/dirty#ixzz5IzcLnKaN (by Kevin Yank on 20th June 2018)
A sadist, a rapist, a murderer, a necrophiliac, and a masochist were all sitting together on a park bench. The sadist said "hey, I got an idea. Why don't we get a cat and torture it?" The rapist replied "yeah, we can torture it and have sex with it after!" The murder enthusiastically chimed in "and then we kill the thing!" And the necrophiliac added "yeah, and then we can have sex with it again after it's dead!" They all nod in agreement, and then turn to the masochist, who looked at them all and said "Meow." Read more: http://www.joke-db.com/c/all/dirty#ixzz5J8Ack5Te (by Kevin Yank on 22nd June 2018)
"Doktor," the embarrassed man said, "I have a sexual problem. I can't get it up for my wife anymore. "Mr. Garrett, bring her back with you tomorrow and let me see what I can do." The next day, the worried fellow returned with his wife. "Take off your clothes, Mrs. Garrett," the medic said. "Now turn all the way around. Lie down please. Uh-huh, I see. Okay, you may put your clothes back on." The doctor took the husband aside. "You're in perfect health," he said. "Your wife didn't give me an erection either." Read more: http://www.joke-db.com/c/all/dirty#ixzz5JAdhZ54c (by Kevin Yank on 22nd June 2018)
A beautiful woman walks into a doctor's office one day and the doctor is bowled over by her stunningly good looks and all his professionalism goes right out the window... He tells her to take off her pants, she does, and he starts rubbing her thighs. "Do you know what I am doing?" asks the doctor? "Yes, checking for abnormalities." she replies. He tells her to take off her shirt and bra, she takes them off. The doctor begins rubbing her breasts and asks, "Do you know what I am doing now?", she replies, "Yes, checking for cancer." Finally, he tells her to take off her panties, lays her on the table, gets on top of her and starts having sex with her. He says to her, "Do you know what I am doing now?" She replies, "Yes, getting herpes - that's why I'm here!" (by Kevin Yank on 23rd June 2018)
An elderly married couple scheduled their medical examination on the same day so that they could answer any questions the doctor might have concerning their partner. After the husband's exam, the doctor then said to the elderly man, "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concern that you would like to ask me?" "In fact, I do," said the old man. "After I have sex with my wife the first time, I am usually hot and sweaty, and then, after I have sex with my wife the second time, I'm usually cold and chilly." The doctor said that he would examine the wife, and then report back to the man. After examining the elderly lady, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?" The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns. The doctor then asked: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually hot and sweaty after having sex the first time with you, and then cold and chilly after the second time. Do you know why?" "Oh that crazy old nut", she replied. "That's because the first time is usually in July and the second time is usually in December!" Read more: http://www.joke-db.com/c/all/dirty#ixzz5JKmVurmo (by Kevin Yank on 24th June 2018)
Dr. Phil was conducting a group therapy session with four young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he observed. To the first mother, he said, "you are obsessed with eating. You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second mom. "Your obsession is with money. Again, it manifests itself in your child's name, Penny." He turns to the third mom. "Your obsession is alcohol. This, too, manifests itself in your child's name, Brandy." At this point, the fourth mother gets up takes her little boy by the hand and whispers, "Come on Dick! We're leaving." Read more: http://www.joke-db.com/c/all/dirty#ixzz5JPVNHuKr (by Kevin Yank on 25th June 2018)
On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humoring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top." (by Kevin Yank on 26th June 2018)
An American tourist goes on a trip to China. While in China, he is very sexually promiscuous and does not take any precautions. A week after arriving back home he awakens one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see his doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, "I've got bad news for you. You've contracted Mongolian VD. It's very rare and almost unheard of here. We know very little about it." The man looks a little relieved and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up doc." The doctor answers, "I'm sorry, there's no known cure other than to amputate your penis." The man screams in horror, "Oh no! I want a second opinion!" The doctor replies, "Well it's your choice. Go ahead if you want, but surgery is your only choice." The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he'll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah yes, Mongolian VD. Very rare disease." The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can you do? My American doctor wants to operate and amputate my penis!" The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs, "Stupid American doctor! American doctor, always want to operate. Make more money, that way." "Then there's no need to operate? Oh, thank God!" the man replies. "Yes!" says the Chinese doctor, "You no worry! Wait two weeks, it fall off by itself!" (by Geir Siqveland on 28th June 2018)
A married woman is having an affair. Whenever her lover comes over, she puts her nine-year-old son in the closet. One day the woman hears a car in the driveway and puts her lover in the closet, as well. Inside the closet, the little boy says, "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Yes it is," the man replies. "You wanna buy a baseball?" the little boy asks. "No thanks," the man replies. "I think you do want to buy a baseball," the little extortionist continues. "OK. How much?" the man replies after considering the position he is in. "Twenty-five dollars," the little boy replies. "TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?!" the man repeats incredulously, but complies to protect his hidden position. The following week, the lover is visiting the woman again when she hears a car in the driveway and, again, places her lover in the closet with her little boy. "It's dark in here, isn't it?" the boy starts off. "Yes it is," replies the man. "Wanna buy a baseball glove?" the little boy asks. "OK. How much?" the hiding lover responds, acknowledging his disadvantage. "Fifty dollars," the boy replies and the transaction is completed. The next weekend, the little boy's father says "Hey, son. Go get your ball and glove and we'll play some catch." "I can't. I sold them," replies the little boy. "How much did you get for them?" asks the father, expecting to hear the profit in terms of lizards and candy. "Seventy-five dollars," the little boy says. "SEVENTY-FIVE DOLLARS?! That's thievery! I'm taking you to the church right now. You must confess your sin and ask for forgiveness", the father explains as he hauls the child away. At the church, the little boy goes into the confessional, draws the curtain, sits down, and says "It's dark in here, isn't it?" "Don't you start that shit in here," the priest says. (by Geir Siqveland on 29th June 2018)
wo elderly gentlemen, who had been without sex for several years, decided they needed to visit a cat-house for some tail..... When they arrived, the madam took one look at them and decided she wasn't going to waste any of her girls on these two old men. So she used "blow-up" dolls instead. She put the dolls in each man's room and left them to their business. After the two men were finished, they started walking home and began to talking. The first man said, "I think the girl I had was dead. She never moved, talked or even groaned... how was it for you?" The second man replied, "I think mine was a witch. When I nibbled on her breast..... she farted and flew out the window!" Read more: http://www.joke-db.com/c/all/dirty#ixzz5K00X3ucF (by Geir Siqveland on 3rd July 2018)
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patient, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised." Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!” Read more: http://www.joke-db.com/c/all/dirty#ixzz5KAuNE9bJ (by Geir Siqveland on 3rd July 2018)
Hei, hai e du en ekte hai. (by Geir Siqveland on 18th July 2018)
Dette er en test (by Geir Siqveland on 19th July 2018)
En eldre mann satt hos frisøren når en liten gutt kom inn. Frisøren lente seg framover mot den gamle mannen og sa: «Dette er den dummeste gutten jeg kjenner. Bare se her, så skjønner du..» Frisøren gravde litt i lommene og fisket opp en 20-kroning og ti 1-kroninger. Han holder ut begge armene og spør gutten: «Hvilken vil du helst ha?» Gutten peker på hånda med ti kronestykker i. Frisøren gir dem til gutten, som forlater frisørsalongen smilende. «Han er ikke direkte smart den gutten.» humrer frisøren. Når den eldre mannen er ferdigklipt, forlater han salongen. Da møter han gutten, som har vært å kjøpt is for pengene sine. «Unnskyld meg..» spør den eldre mannen. «Hvorfor valgte du ikke 20-kroningen?» «Hvis jeg hadde tatt 20-kroningen hadde ikke frisøren trodd jeg var dum, og han hadde sluttet å gi meg valget mellom 20 og 10 kroner for å bevise det.» sa gutten mens han slikket fornøyd på iskremen sin. (by Geir Siqveland on 21st July 2018)
I was asked how I'd named my daughters Henessy, Bailey, Syrah and Abbey. I said they were all my wife's names. Later on I asked her where she'd found those names. She was shocked I'd asked, saying, "You never pay attention. That's what we were drinking the night each girl was conceived!" Then she handed me little Bud and stormed out of the room. (by Alan Greer on 19th March 2019)